Looking at the flashing cursor on my screen, my wife Sam, an expert in blogging and spending most of her professional life online just said: “just get on with it”.

So what do you write…Who am I, what am I?

For nearly twenty years now, I have spent much of my time searching for meaning and using the excuses of academic work and study to delay that search, my CV is very diverse, soldier, potter, taxi driver, beauty salon owner, healthcare assistant, Operating department practitioner, surgical first assistant….what next?

I realise, that I have been unsettled in my working life because my thoughts have been so unsettled but where I am right now is where I want to be. 

Most of that accolade lies at the feet of two very important women in my life.

My therapist Jane, who has stripped the bare bones of my life over the last six years, exposing some of the darkest recesses in my mind, dealing with the trauma and heartache in my life, without her guiding light, love and compassion, I think I would not be here today.

  

My beautiful wife Samantha, who bathes in the glow of white honest light, her boundless love, support and challenging approach to avoiding the darkness brings me so much heartfelt joy, I cant bring it into words.  No one reads me better than her, for that, I am truly grateful for my life.

My life now fits like a glove, finally comfortable in my own skin, I know what I want, and find joy in every aspect of my life. This has given me time to reflect on whats important to me.  Work has its place, and operating on patients is a privilege in the orthopaedic setting, work for me isn’t really work, its a dream that I have realised through hard work, dedication and sacrifice, yet there’s just something missing!

Searching for this I didn’t have to look far.  I find myself knitting my brow reading the press, listening to my brothers in arms, and having to listen to the rhetoric from people that just don’t understand the military mind. 

We are trained, to do the unthinkable!

Then when your time is done, your expected to conform, and behave like someone who hasn’t been trained to kill. 

This is difficult, trust me I know first hand and my military service was a walk in the park compared to some of my closest friends.  Most of the military today has spent more time in combat than most second world war veterans, a staggering statistic, just take a minute to think about that, yet the flags been lowered…well, kind of in Bastion and Basra and the support these guys receive outside of the armed forces is limited.

Not only are our brothers and sisters having to deal with disabling, life-changing injuries, most are having to deal with the mental damage conflict brings.  Breaking up families, unemployable, social issues, substance abuse and homelessness.

The wonder of surgical and anaesthetic advancements in the last twenty years gave these guys a fighting chance and the majority that came home without the visible injuries, but the mental anguish combat can bring are left to the mercy of their local health authorities.  Little understanding or education is cascaded down to the affected, and cynically for good reason. 

It costs money.

The health service, from first hand, is almost bankrupt.  For whatever reason, the health service in five years will be none existent, only offering cancer and emergency services.  The reality is, the break up of the ‘free at the point of delivery‘ is unsustainable.  It’s not just addressing the healthcare question, social government agencies are also suffering the same austere measurments by a government that simply doesn’t care for the very people they asked to do their dirty work.  They did it without question, in return, they won’t get the breaks or the support that is similar to our American brothers.

My goal is I want to generate a sustainable business that operates purely online, and a proportion of the net profit will go to named charities, the dream is to provide subsidised housing to veterans and their families.

You could call this a side hustle, but I call it hope!

Everything starts with a dream, and today, this is what I am dreaming of.